Log in

No account? Create an account

Intentionally · Left · Blank

Recent Entries · Archive · Friends · Profile

* * *
I don't even know where to begin. But I know I must begin somehow, I have to write, to share, to get this out of me. I am going crazy, I am driving myself crazy. I have reached a new low, I am a mess, I am pathetic. I have so much inside of me I feel like I might explode, I wish there was a way to release it all at once. Typing as fast as I can, I still feel a sense of urgency, I wish I could get it out faster and to the masses who will understand.

I graduated, went on vacation all summer, came home about 116 pounds, tan, happy. My clothes were falling off and everyone commented constantly about how thin I was. I got sick when I came home from Honduras, just like I did last summer. I found out that if I didn't eat all day, or just ate a few saltines to keep me from feeling sick and I drank alcohol with my friends every night I could keep myself sick. Then, I went to Germany in October and it was cold even though it was unseasonably warm at home. I'm a vegan and it was hard to eat there, I ended up eating french fries and peanut butter constantly. I came home and went ape shit, eating constantly, especially peanut butter, which is still my weakness like no other. I was going through a jar a day by the spoonful. I became very depressed having no plans after graduation, at the time a year off seemed like a good idea.

I'm still depressed, I finally got some help, I'm seeing an eating disorder specialist, a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I got on Prozac, I wanted Welbutrin but having bulimia in my past she thought it might give me seizures, I'm pissed about it still because I wanted the Welbutrin to help me lose weight. So I gained 15 pounds and my self confidence was shattered. I feel suicidal, I fantasize about killing myself and it makes me really happy, excited and almost giddy. I don't think I would actually kill myself, but I still like to think about it. Also, I used to cut, and lately I've been thinking that maybe that would make me feel better, and I could do that instead of eat to make myself feel better. I understand that I used to eat a ton because it made me feel good for the moment, and I could lose myself in it. But I feel like such shit afterwards, and I feel guilty while I'm doing it, I wish I didnt but I don't stop myself. I used to have such will power, I survived a summer on 500 cals a day and I was happy doing it. I'm disappointed that I can't seem to get back in the right mind set to do it again.

I started dating a guy and we've been seeing eachother for 5 months. I'm still not quite over my last boyfriend, which was my first "adult" relationship. We were together for 2 and a half years, we lived together, we talked about spending the rest of our lives together, I was very much in love. So I'm disappointed that I'm not at a comfort level with the new guy yet that I was with my last guy, I know that's a lot to ask, but I fell in love with Adam within 6 weeks, and 5 months into this thing with Thomas I don't feel it, but I want to. I wonder if it's depression that's keeping me from being happy, of it it's just not the right fit. We were fooling around with my pants off for the first time a couple days ago and I freaked out because I feel massive and gross. I told him I feel uncomfortable about myself and I've told him before how I gained weight when I moved home and gave him a slight glimpse into my history of eating issues and cutting because I am a stupid moron who reveals too damn much, which is really unlike me. So of course we had to talk about it and he says I'm not fat and he doesn't care about my weight, and he likes my ass the way it is, blah blah blah lies lies lies. So I decided that night that I have to do something about this.

I am desperate and don't want to waste my youth being fat and unhappy. I ate dinner out with my mom and her husband last night and we got dessert after. We are going to Puerto Rico in 8 weeks and we all want to lose weight, coincedentally we all want to lose 15 pounds. I think it will be the hardest for me because I'm not technically overweight and they are. I just keep thinking about how I was once 2 pounds away from one of my goals, which was to be 114, I was taking progress pictures in 7 pounds increments from 135.... And then I blew it and ballooned up to 130 pounds. I'm 5'4 btw. When I get to 114 I will take pictures and post them along with my other pictures at 135, 128, and 121. I'm going to Madagascar with my grandmother for a graduation present on Tuesday for 2 weeks. I'm contemplating doing something stupid like eating something unsanitary or drinking straight from the tap before I leave the country so I can get sick again and lose weight quickly. Once I get on a roll it's a lot easier for me.

I've been lurking in communities on LJ forever, since my freshman year of college, and it's helped so much and I feel like I never contribute or give back anything. I want to express my gratitude for all of those who share what you're going through and post such lovely pictures which really motivate me. I'm sorry for the sob story and oversharing and the long winded ramble, I just had to get it out. I wish someone else felt the same way I did that I could talk to in real life, I have a friend who has disordered eating though not really an eating disorder and we help eachother from time to time, but she is no where near as fucked up as I am and I feel like a freak when I share some things with her. My long term goal is 107, but I'll take 114 by mid-May when the trip is for now.

I hope all you girls and guys are doing alright and I think you are all lovely and inspiring.
* * *
I feel bad for making my parents waste time, effort, and money on me to blow college and be lazy and stupid.
I do have too much to do but it's not impossible and I'm going to graduate on time dammit!
I have a plan, and a 5 page to do list and I am making progress and setting things into motion to suceed.
I will probably get a D , 3 C's, a B, and an A, and that's ok because at least I'll be done.
I'm sorry for people in communities that I participated in because I failed and dropped out of sight yet again.
I don't have time to hit the gym daily, I can't take diet pills because I'm too scared now, and I eat a shit ton to keep my going so I have energy to do it all, plus I eat when I'm stressed which is constant now.
I hate that I am giving up my goals of being 107 by graduation, of being hot for the summer in general. I don't have the time or energy to have a social life, personal life, or look even halfway decent.
I wanted to really impress a boy I like and was hoping to spend lots of time with over the summer. Now I'll be fat, white, ugly and not want to see him and he'll think I'm just being a bitch and blah blah blah.
Then, the brother of one of my friends who always talks dirty to me on myspace is coming to visit especially for me because I'm graduating. He made a cute little remark about how he was doing situps for me. I'm going to disappoint yet another person by being hideous and fat.
And the people I work with all called me worried that I was in the hospital. Now I'm sure they all think I'm a pill popper or drug addict or unstable. I have to go back to work there in May.
I'm not even really upset by all this, I feel very numb about the whole situation. I feel like I have to be a machine to get all this work done and there's no room for caring about appearance and transient things that can be focused on after I ensure my future by graduating.
All I have to say is that come May 2nd it's on. I might be behind but I AM reaching my goals and impressing others and myself, no matter what it takes.
* * *
i've always had the best coping mechanisms
from childhood on...
scratching, hitting, cutting, starving myself
picking scabs so i could bleed
exercising until vomiting
binge and purge
write about how much of a loser i am
cutting chunks out of my hair
shaving my entire body
pulling out body/facial hair
rubbing my skin until raw
snapping my wrists with rubberbands
pulling my hair
holding my breath
biting holes in my lips
cutting my nails too short so they were sore
pushing on or hitting bruises
making myself too hot or too cold
reading/watching/thinking about something that would make me sad or upset
picking off my cuticles
staying up all night
drinking alcohol
doing drugs
listening to sad songs or watching sad movies for the purpose of getting myself upset
letting myself be used sexually
pointing out all my flaws in a mirror and making a list
getting obsessively clean so that my skin was chapped
* * *
I overdosed on Vivarin, I think because I didn't take into account the ephedrine I was taking. I got sick and paranoid and had a breakdown. My boy took me to the emergency room and they gave me adavan? which barely took the edge off. My mom surprised me by coming up, wonderful. I missed my internship, a quiz, and a presentation today. I have to tell my professors that I am too stressed and might not be able to graduate until the summer. I also need to talk to a counselor on campus about managing my stress. I had to tell work so they wouldn't schedule me for a month until school is over. I'm calling to give up my volunteer position until school is up tomorrow. My diet pills are being returned, they never really worked anyways.
I'm too scared to get upset, be active, or exercise because I don't want my heart to feel like it did earlier, like I was going to die. My sleep patterns are all messed up. But I'm still up studying at 3 am for 2 tests tomorrow.
* * *
Day of work from hell, I'm just getting home.
Too busy to eat that much today though!
Food - 1 pt
Water - 1 pt
diet pill - 1 pt
total - 3 points
* * *
* * *
I found a salad dressing I really like. And I don't even eat salad dressing. It's Annie's Naturals Tuscany Italian Dressing. The ingredients are so simple I think I could make it myself. So that was 52 cals for a substantial tasty salad. And my diet pills are working i think, i'm full.
* * *
i'm such an idiot. i'm not even hungry and i cant stop eating because im so nervous about my test tomorrow, i'm going to be up studying and writing a paper and probably snacking all night, it's like i dont know what else to do with my anxiety
* * *
decided that the master cleanse and working for hours on end in high 70s heat does not go well together, I started my lean cuisine diet and was happy until today when my bf and i decided that instead of working out together we would go eat about 2000 calories at TGIFridays and Cold Stone. I suck. I looked up on caloriesperhour.com that it would take me a month on my current track to get to 114, not what I wanted to hear. I can't restrict like I used to, and I'm afraid of being unhealthy just as much as I'm afraid of being fat. I was doing some reading on eating disorders today about Zinc difficiencies and all kinds of cool things, but it was scary too. I need to use my school's biofeedback lab before I leave school to gauge my body fat and BMR and such things. I've also been reading some stuff in communities about anti-anorexic and anti-wannarexic shit. I'm not either, I'm ednos and I know it, been diagnosed and I'm ok with it. Clearly if I binge and maintain a healthy weight and have periods I'm not anorexic, nor do I purge or overcompensate through exercise and I'm not bulimic. Just want to put it out there. I'm feeling so frustrated.
* * *
Day two of the master cleanse and all is well. I'm not really hungry, i just want to eat because it's comforting. I've lost almost 5 pounds and I'm 6.5 pounds away from my next progress picture posting weight of 114. I'm hoping this good feeling will continue so I can make it to 7 days. I'm hoping I'll get down to 114 just from this diet. I know I'm going to gain some of it back, which scares me. I wonder if it would be a good idea to do it every other day or every third day. I am excited about the lean cuisine diet next monday, only because I'll be able to eat again and it's so easy to keep track with packaged foods.
* * *
working out over the past few days has been great. I wish I had time to do it every day. I'm so excited for tomorrow. I get my orientation and schedule for my internship, I'm working all day so I won't be tempted to eat, I'm starting the lemonade diet, and the progressive prom is that night so I can dance and dress up and have fun. I'm also hoping my diet pills will come soon. I hope all the ladies in the communities are doing well.
* * *
* * *

Previous · Next