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so, i decided that i wanted to say fuck it all today and eat a pint of ben and jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough. well, i thought i may as well walk to CVS to get it since it's close enough and it wont be as bad if i get some more exercise in. i walked all the way there and i didnt see it at first, then i finally found it hidden amongst some other ice creams and i questioned wanting it. for the past few days ive been trying to be better about bingeing, but usually that just leads to over compensating and then bingeing with or without purging. i get so frustrated and upset with myself for having no will power to change my pathetic and miserable state. well, i havent been perfect, but i have decided after 2 rather traumatic events, the first mentioned in my last post and the second stemming from that and leading to a melt down in front of my boyfriend and leaving his house at 2am planning on bingeing, i just didnt do it after those things, and i normally would have. then today i cant believe i eyed all kinds of sweet stuff and didnt get any of it. also, i wandered around the diet pills and protein bars and im contemplating getting some bars or drink mixes, like protein water, i was kinda burnt out from my clif bar obsession from earlier this year but it might be a safe food to have on hand. there was a sale on my favorite fiber laxative so i bought 3 bottles of it and then a notebook to make anoter ED workbook, when I was working on those I got down to lower weights and had more motivation, im hoping it works again.
and not that anyone reads this but i do apologize for never capitalizing anything or punctuating with anything other than commas, i just write free flow you know, stream of conciousness.
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