so, i decided that i wanted to say fuck it all today and eat a pint of ben and jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough. well, i thought i may as well walk to CVS to get it since it's close enough and it wont be as bad if i get some more exercise in. i walked all the way there and i didnt see it at first, then i finally found it hidden amongst some other ice creams and i questioned wanting it. for the past few days ive been trying to be better about bingeing, but usually that just leads to over compensating and then bingeing with or without purging. i get so frustrated and upset with myself for having no will power to change my pathetic and miserable state. well, i havent been perfect, but i have decided after 2 rather traumatic events, the first mentioned in my last post and the second stemming from that and leading to a melt down in front of my boyfriend and leaving his house at 2am planning on bingeing, i just didnt do it after those things, and i normally would have. then today i cant believe i eyed all kinds of sweet stuff and didnt get any of it. also, i wandered around the diet pills and protein bars and im contemplating getting some bars or drink mixes, like protein water, i was kinda burnt out from my clif bar obsession from earlier this year but it might be a safe food to have on hand. there was a sale on my favorite fiber laxative so i bought 3 bottles of it and then a notebook to make anoter ED workbook, when I was working on those I got down to lower weights and had more motivation, im hoping it works again.
and not that anyone reads this but i do apologize for never capitalizing anything or punctuating with anything other than commas, i just write free flow you know, stream of conciousness.
I hang out with a group of guys at a bar downtown every weekend. They are all bigger guys and it makes me feel small because they can pick me up and carry me around, which is something I would never let my soccer player built boyfriend do. I like bigger football player types for this reason. Anyhow, the first time I hung out with them Bron was extremely drunk talking about how good my ass looks in my jeans, how they could make a lot of money off me at a strip club, how I couldn't be 22 because I have such a "womanly shape" aka FAT shape. I am by no means as thin as I once was however I am not a fat person, my bmi is 22, which sucks but still I'm not so fucked up in the head as to think people can legetimately call me fat. Well, this most recent time we were out he was once again belligerant and told me we should make a sex tape and sell it, he liked my nice wide love handles, he said it's great in bed and he liked it, it was a compliment, and it looks good now, although maybe not in 10 years. What the FUCK is that! I had to leave right then because I was about to cry, which I did all the way home until I fell asleep. He's drunk and therefore honest when others tell me oh no you're sexy and perfect and blah blah lies lies. What a complete fucking asshole. And now I don't know what to do, I've been running, working out, eating a lot better, ever since I moved I've felt that I am in a better place mentally so I can probably get back to my lowest weight again but I haven't lost any weight in 5 weeks, I don't know what to do, I feel stuck at this fucking weight, I've even tried the lemonade diet, which is a total crock of shit, but I just wanted some pounds gone to jump start me and NOTHING happened after 3 days so i said fuck it, had a binge purge episode and have been pretty miserable and frantic about how i'm going to be large and in charge the rest of my life.
looking back at what i have written, thinking on all i have been through in my short little existence... i see that i have really wasted my time not having as much fun as i could, dwelling on my so-called imperfections, beating myself up and holding myself to impossible standards that only make me hate myself and feel sad and depressed and shitty in general. i am trying to just feel better and be happier with myself and where i am. i am ok. i truly am, things could be so much worse and i am extremely lucky. i need to be gentler with myself, nicer to myself, and patient. i am beautiful, smart, funny, sexy, a good friend and girlfriend, i deserve happiness and good things. i have a choice in my happiness and i'm choosing to be as happy as possible, to stop apologizing and making excuses for myself, i am wonderful just as i am. and as for my eating issues, i deserve to be skinny, i am a pretty girl and carrying this extra weight is holding me back from living the life I want and fulfilling my potential. i wish i could capture just how i feel physically right now, right after a binge on non-vegan foods. i feel bloated and horrible and sick and heavy. i dont want to do this anymore, i want to not obsess about food and be active to make myself happier and more fit and not because i'm trying to purge calories or make myself look a certain way for other people.
it's going to be alright. i'm going to be alright. i am hopeful
i just ate some nasty grits, dont know why, i was craving pancakes
of course i got down to 126 not eating much since i got back from my trip
made myself throw up last night
and i had to go fuck it up, they made me sick
god, im never going to get it
wanted to kill myself last night
i actually almost did, driving as i was falling asleep, ran off the road twice, going 70 down the highway, got pulled over, no ticket though
shit son, i could have died, im stupid, i should have
lurked on realthin for a while
in the last 24 hours ive eaten
1 triscuit with a scoop of hummus
1 can of coke
1 c oj
1.5 c pasta with sauce
2 c soup
1 c grape acai juice
a few bites rice
i feel like eating, like i have a physical feeling of hunger, but when i start to eat i dont feel excited about it like i used to
i think im the same, 130
my mom is getting a personal trainer for me and her tomorrow, im wavering on dedicated, i just feel nothingness, im talking to my shrink monday
This is just a temporary post until I work out a better food journal, I'm even going to try and keep track when I'm on my trip.
Breakfast - 2 c. black coffee with stevia, 1 slice kiwi, 1 strawberry, 5 blueberries
Lunch - banana
Dinner - jerk seasoned protobello, sauteed spinach and onions, glass of wine
Snack - sugar free popsicle
Woke up today and didn't have to pee, I'm not drinking enough water. I'm 127.6, which is better than 132 a few days ago, I know it's all water weight, but just seeing the numbers go down is exciting for a moment, before I rationalize it all. I just thought about being away for 2 weeks with no access to regular exercise, sporadic unplanned meals, and no scales. I'm a little worried but will hopefully over-compensate and lose. Plus, my grandmother is a tiny thing who doesn't like to eat(I can't imagine) and loves to walk a ton, I'll be with her during this whole trip and it will be impossible to binge/purge/oddly exercise.
I am spending the day with my boyfriend(feels weird to call him that - his name is Thomas) and he is cooking for me. We are going to REI and Earth Fare, so I'll definitely be able to find something vegan and healthy for him to make me. I'm going to eat some fruit and coffee this morning to try to have a BM so I can feel less bloated. I feel very positive about this new motivation to lose weight. My heart is really in it for the first time in over a year. I hope I can have more energy and motivation to get the rest of my life in order:
Finding a bartending job
Financial Aid App
Grad School App
Finding a volunteer opportunity
Getting a place to live in Asheville
I gotta sa thanks to all the people who commented. Just being able to share what I'm going through has been helpful. I know you all understand, I just wish someone lived close enough that I could confide in and spend time with to help eachother out. There should be some kind of service that hooks people up like that. I'm going to have to investigate now.
Anyhow, I am feeling much better and less frantic.
Yesterday I ate vegetarian fajitas from Qdoba, with the beans, lettuce, and rice. Plus, a small peanut butter with cookie dough milkshake from cold stone (I'm vegan for the vast majority of the time but when I crave something I let myself have it from time to time to prevent binges.)
Ok, then today I had 1/2 cup oatmeal with blueberries, a half cup cake batter, a can of coke, 1.5 cups lentil soup, a Boca vegan patty, and a handful of veggie chips.
I like the feeling of being hungry, I have been missing it for a while. It's really nice to feel this way again. I'm so scared I'm going to binge and mess it all up, but I only have 2 more days until my trip, on which I will be very active and not able to eat whenever I want to. My mom is getting a personal trainer for Puerto Rico and I can use them at the YW too. I'm very excited. I now have a short term goal of 114 in 8 weeks, and then 107 by July 4th. I'm so excited and happy to have newfound motivation. I guess the realization that my body disatisfaction was keeping me from having a loving intimate relationship with someone was what I needed to get my ass in gear. I really hope Thomas tells me he loves me by the time I come back from Puerto Rico, that would be great motivation to get thin so I can start having sex again, I miss it.