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so, i decided that i wanted to say fuck it all today and eat a pint of ben and jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough. well, i thought i may as well walk to CVS to get it since it's close enough and it wont be as bad if i get some more exercise in. i walked all the way there and i didnt see it at first, then i finally found it hidden amongst some other ice creams and i questioned wanting it. for the past few days ive been trying to be better about bingeing, but usually that just leads to over compensating and then bingeing with or without purging. i get so frustrated and upset with myself for having no will power to change my pathetic and miserable state. well, i havent been perfect, but i have decided after 2 rather traumatic events, the first mentioned in my last post and the second stemming from that and leading to a melt down in front of my boyfriend and leaving his house at 2am planning on bingeing, i just didnt do it after those things, and i normally would have. then today i cant believe i eyed all kinds of sweet stuff and didnt get any of it. also, i wandered around the diet pills and protein bars and im contemplating getting some bars or drink mixes, like protein water, i was kinda burnt out from my clif bar obsession from earlier this year but it might be a safe food to have on hand. there was a sale on my favorite fiber laxative so i bought 3 bottles of it and then a notebook to make anoter ED workbook, when I was working on those I got down to lower weights and had more motivation, im hoping it works again. and not that anyone reads this but i do apologize for never capitalizing anything or punctuating with anything other than commas, i just write free flow you know, stream of conciousness. |
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I hang out with a group of guys at a bar downtown every weekend. They are all bigger guys and it makes me feel small because they can pick me up and carry me around, which is something I would never let my soccer player built boyfriend do. I like bigger football player types for this reason. Anyhow, the first time I hung out with them Bron was extremely drunk talking about how good my ass looks in my jeans, how they could make a lot of money off me at a strip club, how I couldn't be 22 because I have such a "womanly shape" aka FAT shape. I am by no means as thin as I once was however I am not a fat person, my bmi is 22, which sucks but still I'm not so fucked up in the head as to think people can legetimately call me fat. Well, this most recent time we were out he was once again belligerant and told me we should make a sex tape and sell it, he liked my nice wide love handles, he said it's great in bed and he liked it, it was a compliment, and it looks good now, although maybe not in 10 years. What the FUCK is that! I had to leave right then because I was about to cry, which I did all the way home until I fell asleep. He's drunk and therefore honest when others tell me oh no you're sexy and perfect and blah blah lies lies. What a complete fucking asshole. And now I don't know what to do, I've been running, working out, eating a lot better, ever since I moved I've felt that I am in a better place mentally so I can probably get back to my lowest weight again but I haven't lost any weight in 5 weeks, I don't know what to do, I feel stuck at this fucking weight, I've even tried the lemonade diet, which is a total crock of shit, but I just wanted some pounds gone to jump start me and NOTHING happened after 3 days so i said fuck it, had a binge purge episode and have been pretty miserable and frantic about how i'm going to be large and in charge the rest of my life. |
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looking back at what i have written, thinking on all i have been through in my short little existence... i see that i have really wasted my time not having as much fun as i could, dwelling on my so-called imperfections, beating myself up and holding myself to impossible standards that only make me hate myself and feel sad and depressed and shitty in general. i am trying to just feel better and be happier with myself and where i am. i am ok. i truly am, things could be so much worse and i am extremely lucky. i need to be gentler with myself, nicer to myself, and patient. i am beautiful, smart, funny, sexy, a good friend and girlfriend, i deserve happiness and good things. i have a choice in my happiness and i'm choosing to be as happy as possible, to stop apologizing and making excuses for myself, i am wonderful just as i am. and as for my eating issues, i deserve to be skinny, i am a pretty girl and carrying this extra weight is holding me back from living the life I want and fulfilling my potential. i wish i could capture just how i feel physically right now, right after a binge on non-vegan foods. i feel bloated and horrible and sick and heavy. i dont want to do this anymore, i want to not obsess about food and be active to make myself happier and more fit and not because i'm trying to purge calories or make myself look a certain way for other people. it's going to be alright. i'm going to be alright. i am hopeful |
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i just ate some nasty grits, dont know why, i was craving pancakes of course i got down to 126 not eating much since i got back from my trip made myself throw up last night and i had to go fuck it up, they made me sick god, im never going to get it wanted to kill myself last night i actually almost did, driving as i was falling asleep, ran off the road twice, going 70 down the highway, got pulled over, no ticket though shit son, i could have died, im stupid, i should have |
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lurked on realthin for a while in the last 24 hours ive eaten 1 triscuit with a scoop of hummus 1 can of coke 1 c oj 1.5 c pasta with sauce 2 c soup 1 c grape acai juice a few bites rice i feel like eating, like i have a physical feeling of hunger, but when i start to eat i dont feel excited about it like i used to |
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i think im the same, 130 my mom is getting a personal trainer for me and her tomorrow, im wavering on dedicated, i just feel nothingness, im talking to my shrink monday |
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This is just a temporary post until I work out a better food journal, I'm even going to try and keep track when I'm on my trip. Sunday: Breakfast - 2 c. black coffee with stevia, 1 slice kiwi, 1 strawberry, 5 blueberries Lunch - banana Dinner - jerk seasoned protobello, sauteed spinach and onions, glass of wine Snack - sugar free popsicle |
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Woke up today and didn't have to pee, I'm not drinking enough water. I'm 127.6, which is better than 132 a few days ago, I know it's all water weight, but just seeing the numbers go down is exciting for a moment, before I rationalize it all. I just thought about being away for 2 weeks with no access to regular exercise, sporadic unplanned meals, and no scales. I'm a little worried but will hopefully over-compensate and lose. Plus, my grandmother is a tiny thing who doesn't like to eat(I can't imagine) and loves to walk a ton, I'll be with her during this whole trip and it will be impossible to binge/purge/oddly exercise. I am spending the day with my boyfriend(feels weird to call him that - his name is Thomas) and he is cooking for me. We are going to REI and Earth Fare, so I'll definitely be able to find something vegan and healthy for him to make me. I'm going to eat some fruit and coffee this morning to try to have a BM so I can feel less bloated. I feel very positive about this new motivation to lose weight. My heart is really in it for the first time in over a year. I hope I can have more energy and motivation to get the rest of my life in order: Finding a bartending job |
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I gotta sa thanks to all the people who commented. Just being able to share what I'm going through has been helpful. I know you all understand, I just wish someone lived close enough that I could confide in and spend time with to help eachother out. There should be some kind of service that hooks people up like that. I'm going to have to investigate now. Anyhow, I am feeling much better and less frantic. Yesterday I ate vegetarian fajitas from Qdoba, with the beans, lettuce, and rice. Plus, a small peanut butter with cookie dough milkshake from cold stone (I'm vegan for the vast majority of the time but when I crave something I let myself have it from time to time to prevent binges.) Ok, then today I had 1/2 cup oatmeal with blueberries, a half cup cake batter, a can of coke, 1.5 cups lentil soup, a Boca vegan patty, and a handful of veggie chips. I like the feeling of being hungry, I have been missing it for a while. It's really nice to feel this way again. I'm so scared I'm going to binge and mess it all up, but I only have 2 more days until my trip, on which I will be very active and not able to eat whenever I want to. My mom is getting a personal trainer for Puerto Rico and I can use them at the YW too. I'm very excited. I now have a short term goal of 114 in 8 weeks, and then 107 by July 4th. I'm so excited and happy to have newfound motivation. I guess the realization that my body disatisfaction was keeping me from having a loving intimate relationship with someone was what I needed to get my ass in gear. I really hope Thomas tells me he loves me by the time I come back from Puerto Rico, that would be great motivation to get thin so I can start having sex again, I miss it. |
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I don't even know where to begin. But I know I must begin somehow, I have to write, to share, to get this out of me. I am going crazy, I am driving myself crazy. I have reached a new low, I am a mess, I am pathetic. I have so much inside of me I feel like I might explode, I wish there was a way to release it all at once. Typing as fast as I can, I still feel a sense of urgency, I wish I could get it out faster and to the masses who will understand. I graduated, went on vacation all summer, came home about 116 pounds, tan, happy. My clothes were falling off and everyone commented constantly about how thin I was. I got sick when I came home from Honduras, just like I did last summer. I found out that if I didn't eat all day, or just ate a few saltines to keep me from feeling sick and I drank alcohol with my friends every night I could keep myself sick. Then, I went to Germany in October and it was cold even though it was unseasonably warm at home. I'm a vegan and it was hard to eat there, I ended up eating french fries and peanut butter constantly. I came home and went ape shit, eating constantly, especially peanut butter, which is still my weakness like no other. I was going through a jar a day by the spoonful. I became very depressed having no plans after graduation, at the time a year off seemed like a good idea. I'm still depressed, I finally got some help, I'm seeing an eating disorder specialist, a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I got on Prozac, I wanted Welbutrin but having bulimia in my past she thought it might give me seizures, I'm pissed about it still because I wanted the Welbutrin to help me lose weight. So I gained 15 pounds and my self confidence was shattered. I feel suicidal, I fantasize about killing myself and it makes me really happy, excited and almost giddy. I don't think I would actually kill myself, but I still like to think about it. Also, I used to cut, and lately I've been thinking that maybe that would make me feel better, and I could do that instead of eat to make myself feel better. I understand that I used to eat a ton because it made me feel good for the moment, and I could lose myself in it. But I feel like such shit afterwards, and I feel guilty while I'm doing it, I wish I didnt but I don't stop myself. I used to have such will power, I survived a summer on 500 cals a day and I was happy doing it. I'm disappointed that I can't seem to get back in the right mind set to do it again. I started dating a guy and we've been seeing eachother for 5 months. I'm still not quite over my last boyfriend, which was my first "adult" relationship. We were together for 2 and a half years, we lived together, we talked about spending the rest of our lives together, I was very much in love. So I'm disappointed that I'm not at a comfort level with the new guy yet that I was with my last guy, I know that's a lot to ask, but I fell in love with Adam within 6 weeks, and 5 months into this thing with Thomas I don't feel it, but I want to. I wonder if it's depression that's keeping me from being happy, of it it's just not the right fit. We were fooling around with my pants off for the first time a couple days ago and I freaked out because I feel massive and gross. I told him I feel uncomfortable about myself and I've told him before how I gained weight when I moved home and gave him a slight glimpse into my history of eating issues and cutting because I am a stupid moron who reveals too damn much, which is really unlike me. So of course we had to talk about it and he says I'm not fat and he doesn't care about my weight, and he likes my ass the way it is, blah blah blah lies lies lies. So I decided that night that I have to do something about this. I am desperate and don't want to waste my youth being fat and unhappy. I ate dinner out with my mom and her husband last night and we got dessert after. We are going to Puerto Rico in 8 weeks and we all want to lose weight, coincedentally we all want to lose 15 pounds. I think it will be the hardest for me because I'm not technically overweight and they are. I just keep thinking about how I was once 2 pounds away from one of my goals, which was to be 114, I was taking progress pictures in 7 pounds increments from 135.... And then I blew it and ballooned up to 130 pounds. I'm 5'4 btw. When I get to 114 I will take pictures and post them along with my other pictures at 135, 128, and 121. I'm going to Madagascar with my grandmother for a graduation present on Tuesday for 2 weeks. I'm contemplating doing something stupid like eating something unsanitary or drinking straight from the tap before I leave the country so I can get sick again and lose weight quickly. Once I get on a roll it's a lot easier for me. I've been lurking in communities on LJ forever, since my freshman year of college, and it's helped so much and I feel like I never contribute or give back anything. I want to express my gratitude for all of those who share what you're going through and post such lovely pictures which really motivate me. I'm sorry for the sob story and oversharing and the long winded ramble, I just had to get it out. I wish someone else felt the same way I did that I could talk to in real life, I have a friend who has disordered eating though not really an eating disorder and we help eachother from time to time, but she is no where near as fucked up as I am and I feel like a freak when I share some things with her. My long term goal is 107, but I'll take 114 by mid-May when the trip is for now. I hope all you girls and guys are doing alright and I think you are all lovely and inspiring. |
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I feel bad for making my parents waste time, effort, and money on me to blow college and be lazy and stupid. I do have too much to do but it's not impossible and I'm going to graduate on time dammit! I have a plan, and a 5 page to do list and I am making progress and setting things into motion to suceed. I will probably get a D , 3 C's, a B, and an A, and that's ok because at least I'll be done. I'm sorry for people in communities that I participated in because I failed and dropped out of sight yet again. I don't have time to hit the gym daily, I can't take diet pills because I'm too scared now, and I eat a shit ton to keep my going so I have energy to do it all, plus I eat when I'm stressed which is constant now. I hate that I am giving up my goals of being 107 by graduation, of being hot for the summer in general. I don't have the time or energy to have a social life, personal life, or look even halfway decent. I wanted to really impress a boy I like and was hoping to spend lots of time with over the summer. Now I'll be fat, white, ugly and not want to see him and he'll think I'm just being a bitch and blah blah blah. Then, the brother of one of my friends who always talks dirty to me on myspace is coming to visit especially for me because I'm graduating. He made a cute little remark about how he was doing situps for me. I'm going to disappoint yet another person by being hideous and fat. And the people I work with all called me worried that I was in the hospital. Now I'm sure they all think I'm a pill popper or drug addict or unstable. I have to go back to work there in May. I'm not even really upset by all this, I feel very numb about the whole situation. I feel like I have to be a machine to get all this work done and there's no room for caring about appearance and transient things that can be focused on after I ensure my future by graduating. All I have to say is that come May 2nd it's on. I might be behind but I AM reaching my goals and impressing others and myself, no matter what it takes. |
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i've always had the best coping mechanisms from childhood on... scratching, hitting, cutting, starving myself picking scabs so i could bleed exercising until vomiting binge and purge binge write about how much of a loser i am cutting chunks out of my hair shaving my entire body pulling out body/facial hair rubbing my skin until raw snapping my wrists with rubberbands pulling my hair holding my breath biting holes in my lips cutting my nails too short so they were sore pushing on or hitting bruises making myself too hot or too cold reading/watching/thinking about something that would make me sad or upset picking off my cuticles staying up all night drinking alcohol doing drugs smoking listening to sad songs or watching sad movies for the purpose of getting myself upset letting myself be used sexually pointing out all my flaws in a mirror and making a list getting obsessively clean so that my skin was chapped |
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I overdosed on Vivarin, I think because I didn't take into account the ephedrine I was taking. I got sick and paranoid and had a breakdown. My boy took me to the emergency room and they gave me adavan? which barely took the edge off. My mom surprised me by coming up, wonderful. I missed my internship, a quiz, and a presentation today. I have to tell my professors that I am too stressed and might not be able to graduate until the summer. I also need to talk to a counselor on campus about managing my stress. I had to tell work so they wouldn't schedule me for a month until school is over. I'm calling to give up my volunteer position until school is up tomorrow. My diet pills are being returned, they never really worked anyways. I'm too scared to get upset, be active, or exercise because I don't want my heart to feel like it did earlier, like I was going to die. My sleep patterns are all messed up. But I'm still up studying at 3 am for 2 tests tomorrow. |
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Day of work from hell, I'm just getting home. Too busy to eat that much today though! Food - 1 pt Water - 1 pt diet pill - 1 pt total - 3 points |
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I found a salad dressing I really like. And I don't even eat salad dressing. It's Annie's Naturals Tuscany Italian Dressing. The ingredients are so simple I think I could make it myself. So that was 52 cals for a substantial tasty salad. And my diet pills are working i think, i'm full. |
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i'm such an idiot. i'm not even hungry and i cant stop eating because im so nervous about my test tomorrow, i'm going to be up studying and writing a paper and probably snacking all night, it's like i dont know what else to do with my anxiety |
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decided that the master cleanse and working for hours on end in high 70s heat does not go well together, I started my lean cuisine diet and was happy until today when my bf and i decided that instead of working out together we would go eat about 2000 calories at TGIFridays and Cold Stone. I suck. I looked up on caloriesperhour.com that it would take me a month on my current track to get to 114, not what I wanted to hear. I can't restrict like I used to, and I'm afraid of being unhealthy just as much as I'm afraid of being fat. I was doing some reading on eating disorders today about Zinc difficiencies and all kinds of cool things, but it was scary too. I need to use my school's biofeedback lab before I leave school to gauge my body fat and BMR and such things. I've also been reading some stuff in communities about anti-anorexic and anti-wannarexic shit. I'm not either, I'm ednos and I know it, been diagnosed and I'm ok with it. Clearly if I binge and maintain a healthy weight and have periods I'm not anorexic, nor do I purge or overcompensate through exercise and I'm not bulimic. Just want to put it out there. I'm feeling so frustrated. |
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Day two of the master cleanse and all is well. I'm not really hungry, i just want to eat because it's comforting. I've lost almost 5 pounds and I'm 6.5 pounds away from my next progress picture posting weight of 114. I'm hoping this good feeling will continue so I can make it to 7 days. I'm hoping I'll get down to 114 just from this diet. I know I'm going to gain some of it back, which scares me. I wonder if it would be a good idea to do it every other day or every third day. I am excited about the lean cuisine diet next monday, only because I'll be able to eat again and it's so easy to keep track with packaged foods. |
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working out over the past few days has been great. I wish I had time to do it every day. I'm so excited for tomorrow. I get my orientation and schedule for my internship, I'm working all day so I won't be tempted to eat, I'm starting the lemonade diet, and the progressive prom is that night so I can dance and dress up and have fun. I'm also hoping my diet pills will come soon. I hope all the ladies in the communities are doing well. |
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